My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
You Might Also Like
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.