Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
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I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH