The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
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“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I can also cook 😂
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code