I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
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They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent