“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
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Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.