Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
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It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy