Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
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JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…