Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
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Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication