I’m not lazy
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{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Is your wife single?
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
The internet is magic sometimes.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.