Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
You Might Also Like
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Terribly Tuesday.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them