I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
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Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.