I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
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Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I only treason on days ending in y
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I can’t stop watching this.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
#milo
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.