Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
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[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Pikachu found the lost joint
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies