Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
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eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.