Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
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Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy