Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
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Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Cow it started Cow it’s going
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?