I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
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interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?