[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
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I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I’m awake but I object,
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito