I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
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Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
This is me 🤣🤣
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
We need to put an American base on the sun
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…