Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
You Might Also Like
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Sponch