Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
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What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out