[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
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Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
inside you are two wolves
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
🙁
turn that frown upside down
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