911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
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me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
stand with me against insufficient seating
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Its true…
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today