A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
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I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
It was worth a shot 😂
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.