If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
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i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me