Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
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[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
ouch
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…