[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
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Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.