If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
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Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
my proudest tweet
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.