[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
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Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.