This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
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My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I enjoy a good short stor
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
house sitting!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.