Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
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Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
PARKOUR
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.