*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
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Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.