One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
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Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Not all heroes wear capes.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder