With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
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“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I’m giving up for Lent.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.