interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
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The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please