ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
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Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.