Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
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Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them