Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
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Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on