No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
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Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Sunday
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now