A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
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her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
These work great until they don’t.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir