Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
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Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
live long and prosper!
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.