When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
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Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.