GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
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Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Vodka burrito was a success
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”