If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
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When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
john wicks are toilet candles
That’s what I call a flat tire
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.