*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
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Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
thinking about a very short hotdog
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.