Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
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Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom