Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
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Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.