I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
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He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Unimpressed
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball