*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
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Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.