Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
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“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
☺️
real
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”